Rudyard Kipling’s poem
“If” continues to shed light on areas of my life and personality that I
don’t always want it to. However I do need to take heed of
these words or I’m going to keep running around circles bashing my head against
the proverbial wall that is my own self.
Last week I got back from one of the most significant trips,
events, and experiences I’ve been on. To judge its success or failure is
proving much harder than I could have imagined.
There is a massive part of me that is screaming “FAILURE” in
my face. Where I’m having trouble though, is defining what it is I’ve failed at
(or succeeded for that matter). Against what expectations do I judge my
success/failure? Whose expectations? My parents? The people I train with?
Mine..? Yup, that’s probably it: my own expectations. Had I actually declared my
expectations to myself? Had I been fair to myself on that front based on
previous performances and ability, let alone experience? Probably not. So did I set myself up for
failure? Yes, undoubtedly. Clearly I had fallen victim to the trappings of the
“dreams” of my idealistic self. I have clearly still not found the balance
required to master my dreams, and as such my ability to measure my performances
and therefore, growth. So what is this part of me upset at? It’s walking away
from my immaturity and insecurity. Most likely the part of me that felt disappointment
is the portion of myself that viewed every event as only the opportunity to
succeed…or fail. This portion of myself that defines my ability to be accepted
or feel worthy through success, and success alone.
How do I know?
Because, tied to the part of me that declares my experience
a failure is the part of me that says I succeeded. That’s proud of me for what
I accomplished. I thought I had no right to think of myself in the same league
as the best in the world, but I did, I was good enough to be there, no doubt. This
part of me that’s still very much in its infancy defines the only failure as
that a failure to be honest with myself was not good enough. That the failure
to win outright is not fatal (thanks Winston), that there is an opportunity to
learn and grow from every one of these experiences. That there is no failure in
putting yourself out there to be judged by all and sundry. The only failure in
that regard would be if that effort was not for me. And for once I can honestly
say that this one was totally for me. I took on debt like a bitch. I accepted
help I would never have normally accepted. And I actually was ok with putting
myself out there for people that I knew to judge me. Normally I avoid the chance of public failure
(with respect to a quantitative win/lose/placing perspective) like the plague
as I’m so terrified people won’t like me if I don’t win. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m
not looking for attention and don’t care if you like me anymore, I’m just
telling it like I am ... or was). So the
more mature side of my personality took time to get a word in and remind me
there were more lessons from this journey than simply the points on the score
sheet.
Those lessons are the hardest for me to learn by a million
miles though.
I have fallen desperately victim to making dreams my master.
I allowed myself to be fooled into believing I was stronger, that I had solved
my own personal issues. This was not the case and there-in lay my true failure
and biggest disappointment. In myself. I had allowed an event, a thing, a day,
a show to define my development and mood.
I won’t lie, it felt amazing to ride that wave if emotional
invincibility. There’s nothing quite like believing you’re in a different place
to where you actually are. But the fall from this high is where I have started
to learn my greatest lesson and where my gullibility has been shattered. The
lessons I learnt from that competition, the other athletes and the trip itself
were not technical, or logical. It was purely emotional. An experience like
this could never have defined my life, but it did reveal the flaws in my life
to me once it was over: that I could never be truly balanced if I did not begin
to balance and afford attention to every aspect of my life emotionally and
intellectually. This needs to be achieved in a vacuum of external influences or
events. And those two areas are not independent of each other but they don’t
always make sense to each other, that’s for sure. Who you are is not a logical
assessment of your performance in one event on one day (for example).
A sport or job may be a massive part of who you are. And
competitions or events or promotions may reveal characteristics and
developments within your personality. But as far as I can see, it’s how you
deal with those things every day in between that makes up your life and gives
meanings to those (very short-lived) milestones. I, as part of a materialistic
and achievement-based society constantly required the elusive and fleeting popular
validation for happiness. And that in itself is a recipe for repetitive failure.
But therein is the challenge, to define your own dreams and
judge them against yourself. What this means is up to you. I’m still battling
with this one myself and seriously don’t have any answers for you. Sorry ‘bout
that.
Russell out.
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