The Adventures of Gullible the Traveller

“If you can dream – and not make dreams your master,”

 

Rudyard Kipling’s poem   “If” continues to shed light on areas of my life and personality that I don’t always want it to. However I do need to take heed of these words or I’m going to keep running around circles bashing my head against the proverbial wall that is my own self.

 

Last week I got back from one of the most significant trips, events, and experiences I’ve been on. To judge its success or failure is proving much harder than I could have imagined.

 

There is a massive part of me that is screaming “FAILURE” in my face. Where I’m having trouble though, is defining what it is I’ve failed at (or succeeded for that matter). Against what expectations do I judge my success/failure? Whose expectations? My parents? The people I train with? Mine..? Yup, that’s probably it: my own expectations. Had I actually declared my expectations to myself? Had I been fair to myself on that front based on previous performances and ability, let alone experience?  Probably not. So did I set myself up for failure? Yes, undoubtedly. Clearly I had fallen victim to the trappings of the “dreams” of my idealistic self. I have clearly still not found the balance required to master my dreams, and as such my ability to measure my performances and therefore, growth. So what is this part of me upset at? It’s walking away from my immaturity and insecurity. Most likely the part of me that felt disappointment is the portion of myself that viewed every event as only the opportunity to succeed…or fail. This portion of myself that defines my ability to be accepted or feel worthy through success, and success alone.

 

How do I know?

 

Because, tied to the part of me that declares my experience a failure is the part of me that says I succeeded. That’s proud of me for what I accomplished. I thought I had no right to think of myself in the same league as the best in the world, but I did, I was good enough to be there, no doubt. This part of me that’s still very much in its infancy defines the only failure as that a failure to be honest with myself was not good enough. That the failure to win outright is not fatal (thanks Winston), that there is an opportunity to learn and grow from every one of these experiences. That there is no failure in putting yourself out there to be judged by all and sundry. The only failure in that regard would be if that effort was not for me. And for once I can honestly say that this one was totally for me. I took on debt like a bitch. I accepted help I would never have normally accepted. And I actually was ok with putting myself out there for people that I knew to judge me.  Normally I avoid the chance of public failure (with respect to a quantitative win/lose/placing perspective) like the plague as I’m so terrified people won’t like me if I don’t win. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for attention and don’t care if you like me anymore, I’m just telling it like I am ... or was).  So the more mature side of my personality took time to get a word in and remind me there were more lessons from this journey than simply the points on the score sheet.

 

Those lessons are the hardest for me to learn by a million miles though.

 

I have fallen desperately victim to making dreams my master. I allowed myself to be fooled into believing I was stronger, that I had solved my own personal issues. This was not the case and there-in lay my true failure and biggest disappointment. In myself. I had allowed an event, a thing, a day, a show to define my development and mood.

 

I won’t lie, it felt amazing to ride that wave if emotional invincibility. There’s nothing quite like believing you’re in a different place to where you actually are. But the fall from this high is where I have started to learn my greatest lesson and where my gullibility has been shattered. The lessons I learnt from that competition, the other athletes and the trip itself were not technical, or logical. It was purely emotional. An experience like this could never have defined my life, but it did reveal the flaws in my life to me once it was over: that I could never be truly balanced if I did not begin to balance and afford attention to every aspect of my life emotionally and intellectually. This needs to be achieved in a vacuum of external influences or events. And those two areas are not independent of each other but they don’t always make sense to each other, that’s for sure. Who you are is not a logical assessment of your performance in one event on one day (for example).

 

A sport or job may be a massive part of who you are. And competitions or events or promotions may reveal characteristics and developments within your personality. But as far as I can see, it’s how you deal with those things every day in between that makes up your life and gives meanings to those (very short-lived) milestones. I, as part of a materialistic and achievement-based society constantly required the elusive and fleeting popular validation for happiness. And that in itself is a recipe for repetitive failure.

 

But therein is the challenge, to define your own dreams and judge them against yourself. What this means is up to you. I’m still battling with this one myself and seriously don’t have any answers for you. Sorry ‘bout that.

 

Russell out.

The Shadows

“Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,”

 

WE Henley’s words have hit me this year in a way I could never have imagined. Maybe because it’s the first time I’ve in my life that I’ve found enough reason and circumstance to look into the eyes of the man in the mirror.

I’ve spent much of my life trying to give other people strength and encouragement in every area of their life. Finding ways to push people into the spotlight I feel they deserve for themselves. Trying to engineer a mind-set for other people so that they may be self-sufficient and empowered and in doing so realise the power they have within themselves.

 
The irony of this situation is that the spotlight and success I’m so good at getting for other people (who are deserving of it, in my most humble of opinions), but it is something I’ve lacked within my own personal endeavours. My default has been to remove the focus of success from myself and shift it to other people so I never have to deal with the fear of failure I have, and probably more frightening or taboo for me, the fear I have of succeeding beyond the acceptable expectations of success that my background and society has of me (according to my perception).

Now this isn’t all about me. But I know that if I’m feeling this way, then there are loads of people who are dealing with the same sort of Shadows in their minds. These Shadows will enter your psyche at different stages. Under different circumstances. Around different people. Try as you might to change the people around you, the place you live, training partners, colleagues, lovers, jobs, whatever! These doubts (whatever they are) are still going to be there. For one reason alone; YOU ARE STILL THE SAME YOU.

 

That’s not to say you shall be permanently fucked by your SELF PERCEIVED, and or emotionally programmed hang-ups. You are more than capable of evolving into the person/athlete/business tycoon you want to be. You are more than capable. No, I’m not a shining example of turning my life around. I’m still pretty messed up. But I can attest to the fact that you are capable of starting to be the best version of yourself possible. The choice you need to make is a simple one: we all need to identify what it actually is that is scaring us about ourselves or our lives. Be honest about that one. If you don’t then you’ll never really understand what it is you’re changing about yourself. And if you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you have no chance in hell of achieving self-appreciation.

Coz that’s what we’re all after right? Being happy with ourselves and what we want from life for ourselves? At this time I want to be as well prepared for the competition I have in 9 days as possible. Preparation is so much more mental than physical. If I didn’t make it ok in my mind for me to be good enough to compete there then I would be nowhere. I know I’m not the finished article in any way, but this (life) is a journey of preparation and understanding of and for yourself. Be honest about understanding the journey you’re on and I believe you’ll find so much more to enjoy along the way.

 

“I thank whatever Gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.”  

 

Coz that’s all you actually got in life. What do you want for your soul?

Stop holding yourself back.

14 Days

Today marks 14 days to the day before I leave for what is arguably...nah..fuck it..most definitely one of the greatest things that has EVER happened to me and outright the most significant sporting and personal achievement I have made to date.

 

Thanks to the help a very good friend, I have been afforded an opportunity to compete at the World’s Strongest Man U105kg competition in Bergen, Norway. I will represent the country of my birth, Zimbabwe, at this most prestigious event. To represent my country is a lifelong dream.

 

To many people an event like this means nothing. Not to worry, not much of your life means anything to me either. And you know what, that's just fine. I'm not particularly interested in you anyway. But that's one of the many lessons I've learned in what has been my most educational year to date. None of what I have achieved in the run up to this competition, less what I am yet to achieve at this competition and in life as a whole would be possible without the lessons I’ve learned.

 

I was forced to learn many things this year. Unfortunately (or fortunately), life took it upon itself to kick me squarely in the balls this year. A lot of things I had taken for granted in my personal life were no longer present or somewhat ruffled if you prefer. For better or for worse and with the help of a counsellor (yes, I asked for help, I’m man enough to do so) I started to look at myself and what type of person I was and who I was becoming as opposed to who “the little kid inside me” had wanted to be all those years ago. Needless to say, they were quite far apart on some key issues. So here are some of the lessons I learnt from and about introspection:

 

1)      It’s painful, nothing worth it is easy. Especially on matters of discovering the soul.

2)      It takes time. What? Did you expect behavioural and emotional patterns that took years to develop are going to evolve overnight? Be patient.

3)      It’s no one else’s problem or fault. No one can do anything to you that you didn’t allow them to. They were acting in their best interests and the way you allowed them to.

4)      Stop allowing yourself to be unhappy. Change the things that trigger those unhappy/negative feelings. That will be hard itself and may not lead to happiness immediately. But at least you’ve begun your evolution.

5)      If you are unsure about what it is you want out of life, you will get exactly fuck all from it. So find some goals, short term achievable ones will do just fine for now.

6)      This all means you need to learn to prioritise yourself. Not to the detriment of other people through selfish and childish demanding behaviour. But by respecting yourself and doing what gives YOU satisfaction and the opportunity to grow.

 

What does all this have to do with strongman or training I hear the muscle freaks ask.. What does strongman have to do with emotional growth I hear the “normal people” ask.. Nothing in life is independent of anything else, I answer.

 

In life, love and training I have found that honesty is not important, it’s essential. If you can’t be honest about understanding yourself then nothing else is ever going to make sense and you are denying yourself and the people around you the best version of yourself that you could be. And that’s just criminal, and dumb.

 

Stop holding yourself back.